it’s one of those days…

I sent a text last night that read:

Pray for us. It’s getting rough.

Can you imagine only knowing tolerance? People endure you, but never encourage. People notice you, but never listen. People permit your presence, but never empower your voice. The romantic notion of adoption is quickly wiped away by day in and day out life of living with a child who has never known the true love of a family.

Love can overwhelm. Emotions suffocate. Trust is built moment by moment, coming close and then running away. Hugs turn from timid to hesitant to real. Love must be tested, pounding hard to determine if it is trustworthy. And then, with your hair frazzled and your resolve withered and your kindness thin, you are rewarded with one of those hugs that only a momma knows, those hugs that melt into your entire body, and you think you might break under the heartache of it all, but you know by grace you can manage the strength to handle the weight of a haunting history.

Sleep is supposed to restore. Sometimes, though, the love must be tested the following morning. Perhaps it was just a dream. And so it begins the next morning and you just might wonder if you will have enough gentleness and joy to sustain a love that must be tried again and again.

Yet, I feel peace. It is a peace much bigger than I am, and I know this is from Him who cares more for his children than I can imagine. My hope isn’t to get this parenting-thing right, my hope is I won’t do more damage.

I steel myself for another long afternoon and evening of constant push-backs and redirecting and reminders to choose kind. I remind myself it takes time to heal. I cling to the truth that we are exactly the family we were created to be. I know these growing pains will yield more joy than is fathomable.

And then a miracle happens. His spirit yields and the boy we have only glimpsed shines brightly. He pays his consequences. He learns when he makes positive choices good things come his way. He licks the beater from the cookie dough. He makes us laugh at dinner. He graciously hands over his video game controller when he loses the match. He hugs his siblings at bedtime.

And they hug him back. “I’m glad you’re my brother.”

I blink back tears, knowing this is one of those days when miracles happen. Just when I wondered if I am capable of being the mother they need, I’m granted the vision God has for our family…eventually.

There is still much work to be done by the healing hand of God. I’m sustained because tonight I lived a bit of the family life that will come after the trust is established and the love is built and the hearts are healed.

Join us at Two Writing Teachers for Slice of Life Challenge on Tuesdays.

17 Comments »

  1. This is indeed a look at the real challenges, JOYS and love that emerge when a family chooses a child to be one of their family. Your child is indeed the lucky one to have parents and siblings that love them in the way love exists in families: without bounds.

  2. Such truth pours from this. It is an encouragement that no matter what our struggles, our Papa God is there to help us, sustain us and give us hope. It touches my heart that you trust us enough to share this personal journey. Sending prayers.

  3. It sounds and feels like when the clouds arrive here in the afternoon, and then a little ray of sunshine peeks through, then another and another. Family time certainly is not perfect, but I'm happy to hear what is happening that is real, the good and the not so much. Whew!

  4. My husband and I were discussing tonight the whining that is taking place in our house. With four kids, whining seems to be around every corner. Is it the time of year? Do they need earlier bedtimes? Do they need more down time to play freely? Are they getting enough choice? It's hard to know sometimes what the needed thing is that might help. It's hard to avoid feeling overwhelmed sometimes. But then there is that moment…a tight hug, a kiss, a little hand that grabs yours, or my favorite words: “I love you momma” and it is like a ray of sunshine for your soul. You Learn you can get through the tough because you know there will be one of those shining moments coming soon. Enjoy the shine!

  5. Ruth – I get this so much! This is what I was feeling about one of my students. The holding on through the ups and downs and then there is the little rewards that make us all whole! Thanks for sharing – your words express so much! You are the right family. Hang in there! Love

  6. Ruth,
    I am SURE that you are not doing more damage. I am sure that you are a main reason for the miracle that is happening in your house within your family. You not only choose kind, you live kind, pass along kind, and inspire kind. Thank you.

  7. Your faith in God, kindness, love will carry you through those push back moments. The bonds of family will hold everyone, they know they are loved unconditionally.

  8. Sigh. Beautiful. So truthful. We must be mothers to the children we're given. You were given your family for a reason.

    This is one of the most beautiful sentences I've ever read:
    And then, with your hair frazzled and your resolve withered and your kindness thin, you are rewarded with one of those hugs that only a momma knows, those hugs that melt into your entire body, and you think you might break under the heartache of it all, but you know by grace you can manage the strength to handle the weight of a haunting history.

    By grace, you will manage. 🙂

  9. Thanks for sharing these thoughts from the heart. It reminds us that our journey of motherhood is taken anew each day. So glad that you had this small miracle to lift you up along the way.

  10. I will pray for your family as they sort through new relationships. God has given you something that you can do only with His help. He made a good choice – as usual – when he gave you charge of these fragile lives! They are getting stronger day by day.

  11. Ruth this is by far a most beautiful slice of life I have read in a long time! I feel like your words described this journey to me as though I too was living it. I commend you for being that special person..that special family to bring another child into your home to love as your own.

  12. The heartache,the outpouring of love you have for your family and your faith brings tears to my eyes and inspiration to take each moment in stride and believe in the power of love.