tonight (soLs)

I won’t be sorry that I wrote tonight.

Tonight I sit in the same place I sit each night, my laptop balanced on my legs, and my pirate quilt snugged around me.

Tonight he sits beside me watching a game, just like most nights.

Tomorrow I will sit in this same place, with the same blanket snugged around me, and the same guy beside me.

Tonight the dishes are done, the lunches are packed, and the dryer is close to buzzing the end of the cycle.

Tomorrow  the dishes will be done, the lunches packed, and the dryer close to buzzing the end of the cycle.

Tonight is as ordinary as ever.

Tomorrow will be the start of a new normal.

Tonight there are three sleeping children upstairs.

Tomorrow there will be four.

Tonight is one of those moments in motherhood where you stand on the line between old and new. Those breaths where you wait and hope. Those moments of anticipation. The too long hugs and the  never wanting to forget this day just as it is now because you know it will never be the same again.

Remembering when they arrived and the way life changed forever and how you were a little scared then, too. You tell yourself it turns out okay. You tell yourself that your heart will keep expanding and there will be enough love for everyone because that’s just the way it is.

You tell yourself you will be enough. You breathe in hope and excitement.

You push away doubt. The question of who are you to be the mother of four. (You still don’t say it at full volume because then, it just might be real.) You tell yourself to ignore all those busybodies who have nothing better to do than question your sanity and capability to be a mother of four.

You can’t listen to those voices when you are trying to squelch your own.

You will be enough.

You tell yourself it won’t be too much, but you know some minutes, some hours, some days it will be too much. You’ve walked a similar journey before and so you know enough to see past the rose-colored glasses. You know that this is a significant bend in your story. It’s this moment when you are going to become a forever family, and it is going to be very good.

It has to be.
You were called to do this.

So even though you are behind on email and you haven’t been able to tell everyone everything you wanted, you have to trust that it will be okay. And even though you’ve not gotten to tell all the people that you should tell that you are adding another child to your family and you feel really sorry that some of them are going to read the news on the internet, you still know it is going to be good.

Very good.
It is going to be very good.

Because you will be enough.

I am enough.
I am sure.

I see his story, lived too long alone, intersecting mine and his and theirs. Becoming a forever family, revising our history, changing the course of our story, making a more complete story than before. He’s never even set foot in our house and I’m not sure how we ever lived without him.

This kind of assurance only comes from above.

Tonight I’m thankful and humble and so very excited.
Tomorrow I will be too.

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18 Comments »

  1. Tonight I have goosebumps reading about your anticipation of your expanding family.
    Tomorrow I will be praying for you and your family and your four children.

    I love your writing, Ruth. It seems like an easy conversation that just flows. You sit down and just type away. Thank you for sharing your life, your story.

    And, yes. You are enough. Shine on, shine bright, just shine!

  2. Ruth,
    I loved the way you moved from the ordinary to the extraordinary. Isn't it true that sometimes the ordinary IS extraordinary?

    Your transition was powerful:
    Tonight there are three sleeping children upstairs.

    Tomorrow there will be four.

    Wishing you all the best — tonight and tomorrow.

    Cathy

  3. I'm SO excited for you and your family. I can barely choose my words.. such anticipation and joy! My husband was adopted, so your story is ringing close to my heart. How will you sleep? 🙂

  4. As I start my third trimester today, I love that you captured those thoughts and emotions of excitement while wondering if I will be able to give each of the girls the attention I want to. You talked about shutting out some of those counter-productive voices, including your own. You post and mindset helped me to strengthen those positive thoughts and to keep in perspective the concept enough.

    I loved your enough post so much that I taped it into one of my writer's notebooks, and I have enjoyed seeing the idea woven through different posts of yours such as this one since then. It seems like it is closely connected to your Shine OLW, which this post exemplifies – in sharing your story, you were able to speak to others with your words.

    Enjoy tomorrow and the days after – such as special, special time for your family!

  5. Blessings to you, the guy sitting beside you, and the four sleeping children (and waking, running, talking, playing, working,learning, growing children)… blessings to your family.

  6. You may not be enough, but He is. I love the line about standing on the line between old and new. That can be seen in moments, even moments not as big as becoming mother of four. Thanks for reminding us to notice the moments.

  7. Ruth-
    You will be enough…
    And lots of us will be praying…
    Richest blessings on the Ayres family
    as you begin your new life today!
    Hugs and prayers!
    Carol

  8. Thank you for taking the time to respond with love and honesty. Your comments offer fodder for me to continue writing about faith and family.

    And, yes, I slept a little, but I couldn'tstop thinking about getting to tuck him in tonight.

    Ruth

  9. I read and I admire you professionally and personally. From my point of view you are way more than enough, especially because you have your doubts, yet you raise above them humbly and poetically. I think of your OLW. You shine. Even across the ocean I can feel your warmth and there is no doubt in my mind that your family and love in it will grow stronger.

  10. The line that resonates… you were called to do this! God is good, he can, he will provide a way when it is dark. I'm so glad that you have all taken on this challenge. XO Tuck tight tonight !

  11. I'm so excited to hear about this “new” child that you are preparing for in this blog. How precious. A girl or a boy? I'll be praying for you and your family! Anticipation is something else. God bless you! Happy parenting and slicing! Love you!

  12. Wow, that was a powerful post, an emotion I'm familiar with. Our “gotcha” day was 15 1/2 years ago and just like you I couldn't imagine a day without Olivia. She was born in my heart years before we met her and made our family complete despite the people who thought we were crazy. Olivia made three for us. At 25 months she only weighed 16 lbs but is healthier than ever today. Yes, it was scary, but motherhood is no matter how many children we have.
    Hugs and enjoy!
    Michelle

  13. What a beautiful piece! You captured so many emotions in this slice of life. By now, those four are tucked in tight. Blessings to you and your family as you move forward on this journey! I love how you pushed away the doubts and embraced the recognition that you are enough.