All is calm…

This phrase cycles through my mind from the moment I awoke, through my morning journaling and scripture reading until right now. I’m listening to versions of “Silent Night”, Pentatonic, Three Tenors, Chris Tomlin and relishing the repetition of

All is calm…

The kids asked to have Christmas in the family room this year. Ever since the girls have been part of our family, we’ve had Christmas in the living room. This year it moves back to the family room, with the tree boasting our stories in ornaments. I have memories of effortless Christmas joy in this room.

I sit here with the lights and this morning’s mantra:

All is calm…

Both shine bright. Not only is there peace on the outside, but there is peace in my heart.

We won’t walk on egg shells today. We won’t pause and carefully select our words before saying things like, “Let’s come to the table for cinnamon rolls,” or “Let’s wait to play that game.” We don’t need to carefully plan ahead so Stephanie has time to accept the things others want to do. We can select a movie as a family whenever we feel like it. We don’t have to read the instructions and figure out the new game ahead of time. We can put together the puzzle and anyone can work on the edges. We don’t have to divvy up the Christmas goodies to ensure everyone gets some. No one will feel guilty today because Stephanie is not here to twist situations and words in order to manipulate others.

All is calm…

Today, instead of thinking about the way I want Stephanie’s story to go differently, I’m going to cherish the amazing story of the whole of our family.

I’m going to relish the way Hannah has learned to lean into love when she opens a gift. No longer is there a blank stare and apathy. She allows herself to feel.  I’m going to watch in awe as she accepts being wholly known and loved.

I’m going to enjoy the way Jay’s wit and warmth are becoming defining characteristics. He’s growing into the person he was designed to be and it’s remarkable.

I’m going to allow the memories of a whole lifetime of Christmases with Sam to overwhelm me. I’m going to be thankful that every year of his life has been wrapped with love. Getting to be his mom for the whole of his life is not a slight thing, and today I will remember the joy of a baby and getting to watch each season of life.

All is calm…as long as I accept it.