In January I wrote a letter to 2012. It (and the response from others) has stuck with me during these first five months of the year. I’m learning a lot about healing.
When we adopted our daughters, I knew we were embarking on a road of restoration. They were fragile, yet resilient little souls. I held them and prayed and molded myself to their needs. It was hard.
We don’t often talk about this part of life. The hard times. The times when you feel like you aren’t enough. The times when you’re sure you’re failing and things are never-not-ever going to be right again. The times when you’re drained. The times when it is too much of an effort to even smear lotion on your legs, let alone put on make up and cute shoes. The times when pieces of your whole self disappear and you are left with a shell of the woman you once were.
The past four years have brought restoration to my daughters. They are amazing, self-confident, and wholly-loved little girls. Me, on the other hand, well, I’m not sure I fared quite as well. I was weary, at best. Frazzled. Exhausted.
This is why my letter to 2012 brought me hope. 2012 hasn’t disappointed. The past five months have brought restoration to my own soul. I have energy for little things (like lotion) and big things (like overnight trips). I realize our adoption journey wasn’t just about restoration for two fragile, yet resilient little souls. It was for me too. It was learning to grow and change and bloom into a stronger version of myself.
I think sometimes we are so busy surviving or helping others to survive that we forget to take care of ourselves. If this is where you find yourself right now, I want you to know it’s okay. Start small. Smear some lotion on your legs or go for a short walk. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Life is a process. Sometimes we hold on and simply step through the mess. Other times we get to catch a glimpse of the way the mess transforms us into something we never imagined possible.
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